Functioning In The Real World
by Pandagirl820
Summary: Where the Espada find themselves thrown into the World of the Living- along with taxes, groceries, and laundry adventures. Because I just love messing with everyone's favorite villains!
1. Chapter 1

**Functioning, Chapter 1**

**Because I just like messing the Espada—Grimmjow in particular. **

**I don't own Bleach, yadda yadda yadda. **

CHAPTER 1, START!

"You can't be serious," Grimmjow deadpanned.

"I am indeed," Aizen replied.

"But… Lord Aizen, is it really necessary?" asked a confused Ulquiorra.

"Not particularly," Aizen answered.

"Then… when?" asked Starrk.

"Ah…" Aizen cleared his throat, "tomorrow."

"What?" screamed Grimmjow. "We can't just move all our stuff to the World of the Living in one day!"

"It has already been done. I would merely like my beloved Espada to get to know the town we plan to destroy."

"Alrighty then," Coyote Starrk leaned back in his chair. "Let's go."

_PAGE BREAK, YEAH!_

The first thing Grimmjow noticed about the "family home" he was going to live was that it small. Tiny. Ten Arrancar, one evil (and stupid, according to this new venture) overlord, and a house with six bedrooms… Not to mention two bathrooms.

Damn.

Walking around the damned dirt hole (which was actually a quite nice home) he was going to be confined to for the next few months, he found the "family car." A Volkswagen. A Volkswagen Bug.

It was a fucking clown car!

Grimmjow sighed, deciding to take a walk. Passing the first house, he read a large sign that said… Kurosaki Clinic? No… it can't be, just a coincidence, that's all.

Soon, Grimmjow was back from his walk, and feeling… rather sleepy. He went inside his new house (complete with luxurious dark wood flooring) and flopped on the living room couch, closing his eyes… when the smell of something burning came to his nose. Coincidentally, there was also green-ish smoke coming from the kitchen.

Aw, hell.

Szayel Aporro Granz walked in, clad in a pink fluffy apron. "What the hell?" Grimmjow questioned the pink haired (pissed off, by the look of it) Espada.

"Just. Get. Me. Some. Water."

It looked like Grimmjow's day wasn't over yet.

Crisis narrowly evaded, Aizen called a family meeting to discuss what was called "Granz's stupidity."

"I believe it is time for some rules to be set, and… Granz, why are you still wearing that pink apron?"

Number eight shrugged.

"Well, anyway, we need to establish some rules," Aizen stated firmly. "First," he glared at the bespectacled Espada, "The kitchen is not a lab, it is a place where cooking takes place."

A pale hand rose into the air.

"Yes, Ulquiorra?"

"By cooking, do you mean…?" he asked, pointing to the ten Espada.

"Of course," Aizen responded. Groaning could be heard (Along with: "I AM A KING! KINGS DON'T COOK!" from Baraggan Luisenbarn.) from around the table. It looked like pizza was going to be a new staple in Grimmjow's diet. "And we _will _have home cooked meals" Aizen's eyes narrowed threateningly. Shit. "Also, I have taken the liberty of assigning all of your rooms by number. I have taken the master bedroom for myself."

No one was particularly surprised at that one.

"Ah, also," Aizen started, "we have been invited over to our neighbor's house for dinner. I do not believe that they have enough room or food to serve all eleven of us, so I will only be bringing Grimmjow."

Grimmjow was just labeled a traitor. "Wait, what? Why just me?" he asked, desperate. Aizen merely smirked. _Oh, he's planning something. _

So, the evil overlord and terrible Espada were going over to the neighbor's house with the "KUROSAKI CLINIC" sign on it for some meatloaf. Through all the hell Grimmjow knew he'd inevitably go through, he hoped that at least the meatloaf was good.

Aizen pressed his finger to the doorbell, the _damned_ mischievous smirk still plastered on his _damned_ face.

"Karin!" a small, feminine voice called, "they're here! Get big brother up!" Aw, how cute. They had kids for Grimmjow to terrorize.

The door opened, and a small girl with caramel hair smiled up at the two evil masterminds. "Welcome to the Kurosaki home! I'm Yuzu! Come in and sit down; dinner's almost ready."

Grimmjow and Aizen walked in, observing their surroundings. The place looked… Homie, Grimmjow secretly admitted.

"WELCOME! I AM ISSHIN KUROSAKI!" called a large man with spiky hair and slight facial hair. To Grimmjow, part one of hell had just begun. "Now, where is my foolish son? KARIN! HAVE YOU WOKEN YOUR BROTHER YET?"

A loud crash was heard from somewhere upstairs.

"He's resisting!" called back another female voice.

Resisting? Strong will.

"REMEMBER, SON," the man apparently named "Isshin" called. "IF YOU WANT TO BECOME A MAN, YOU MUST FOLLOW THE ORDERS OF THE MAN OF THE HOUSE! MY FUTURE GRANDCHILDREN WILL—"

Grimmjow pretty much just tuned the guy out after that. He couldn't help but feel sorry for the poor kid who had to deal with a psycho maniac like _that guy _for a father. Hopefully boy wouldn't be like the yelling buffoon in front of him.

"Alright, I'm up!" called a familiar voice. Grimmjow's ears perked. Could it really be…?

"Now, remember Grimmjow," whispered Aizen. "No fighting right now in the world of the living. We all have to stay peaceful and quiet."

So that was going to be his hell.

"Jeez, Dad, no need for—" called the orange haired boy, before he looked down at his guests.

Grimmjow smirked, recognizing that look on his face: the _oh-shiiiiiit_ look. The kid's face was paler than a ghost!

His smirk grew wider: "Heya, Strawberry."

**Okay, chapter one, finished! I'm so proud. **


	2. Chapter 2

**Functioning In the Real World Chapter 2**

**Yay! I got three reviews on my first chapter! Thank you VampireLadii2, ****sakuya yagami****, and G. Ai Inoue (Sorry to those I missed)! You guys really made my day! And, the more reviews, the faster new chapters come, so hurray for all!**

**CHAPTER TWO, START!**

"No… NO!" Ichigo yelled. He was in fetal position at the top of the staircase, much to the confusion of his pathetic family. Grimmjow couldn't stifle his devilish smirk; it was just too good! He didn't even feel like throwing any punches.

"Son?" Isshin asked carefully. "SON? IS THIS WHAT MY GRANDCHILDREN WILL—"

Again, Grimmjow tuned the loud man out. After a few minutes of useless (though hilarious) screaming from both sides, Ichigo finally came downstairs to greet his "guests." By greet, the author really means: "Get the hell out my house, bastard—"

Suddenly, Ichigo found himself with a mouthful of foot. "IS THAT HOW MY SON TREATS HIS GUESTS?" Grimmjow could barely hold back his laughter now, "THESE ARE OUR NEW NEIGHBORS; TREAT THEM WITH RESPECT!"

"But dad, I—" Ichigo tried; even Grimmjow knew it was useless against the giant stubborn man.

"NO BUTS!"

"… Fine. Come in. Have some… _meatloaf_," Ichigo managed to say with a miserable, forced smile. The way Ichigo said it, the word _meatloaf_ sounded like a torture device that had recently killed all his loved ones.

…But maybe Grimmjow was reading too far into it.

"…So, how do you and Ichigo know each other?" Karin asked a few minutes into the awkwardly silent dinner.

"School," Strawberry answered quietly.

"Actually," Grimmjow smirked, a devilish gleam in his eye, mostly aimed at Ichigo, "Strawberry and I are secretly world-renowned gymnasts who travel the world together, mostly performing in strip circuses."

Silence.

"Where the _hell _did you pull that one from?" Strawberry yelled to Grimmjow, only adding to the hysterical laughing fits Isshin was suffering from.

"So _that's _where you were when you were gone for that whole month!" Yuzu pointed out, as if all was then clear to her.

"No, Yuzu, it's not, he's just—I know him from school, and-and—GRIMMJOW, GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE!" Ichigo screamed at Grimmjow and Aizen through Isshin's still raucous laughter.

"You're just jealous because the ladies pay me more," Grimmjow smirked. At that, Ichigo's face reddened to that of…well, a strawberry. He bared his teeth, and his eyes seemed to burn with anger…

"So you two are circus strippers?" Aizen asked amusedly outside of the Kurosaki home.

"Yup."

"And the ladies like you more?"

"Uh-huh."

"So we're going to put some ice on your eye when we get home?"

"Absolutely."

"Now, before we all go off to bed, I wish to assign you all your rooms," Aizen explained to the ten Espada before they could ask Grimmjow how he got his black eye. "These rooms are assigned by number, thus: Espadas one and two you share a room,"

Starrk paled considerably while Luisenbarn gave a look of disbelief, "Espadas three and four, you share a room,"

Tia Harribel looked calmly over to a paler than usual Ulquiorra, "Espadas five and six, you will—"

"Oh, hell no!" screamed Grimmjow. "Nnoitra'll probably try to kill me in my sleep!"

"Sleep with one eye open then," Aizen commanded, his voice cold. "So, I believe you understand the pattern here: seven and eight, nine and ten. You will be sharing rooms accordingly, is that clear?" Aizen asked, the cold commanding ring in his words still there.

"Yes, Lord Aizen," the Espada responded, though some were obviously sulking.

"Good. And in the morning I will be assigning you all chores, is that clear?"

"Yes sir."

_I AM PAGE BREAK, WATCH ME DANCE!_

"Let's establish one thing, okay?" Nnoitra Jiruga spoke in his and Grimmjow's room, a warning look on his face.

"Uh, sure," Grimmjow muttered, not in the mood to fight. Or get killed in his sleep.

"You have your privacy, and I have mine, got it?" the fifth Espada hissed. Grimmjow couldn't agree more.

"Yup," he answered, flopping on his bed.

After a few moments of silence, the two Arrancars heard yelling from another room: "I AM A KING, YOU HEAR ME? I DESERVE THE 'KING' BED! IT IS MINE BY RIGHT!"

Grimmjow couldn't stifle the chuckle that came at the first Espada's expense. Across the room, he heard the same sound—though slightly more… snake-y*—from Nnoitra.

"Those two are _so _gonna kill each other," the fifth Espada laughed.

"I know, right? And can you imagine how _quiet _it is with Ulquiorra and Tia?"

Another round of laughter, this time louder.

"And Granz is probably gonna try to _experiment _on poor Zommari," Grimmjow added.

"RAPE!" Nnoitra imitated in a shrill voice. The two just laughed harder.

"And Yammy…" Grimmjow guffawed, tears in his eyes.

"Yammy's probably gonna freakin' _eat_ that fish tank thing!" Nnoitra finished, clutching his stomach in laughter.

"Fish tank?" Grimmjow laughed.

And that was how the rest of the night was spent—with all except the fifth and sixth Espada sitting quietly in their beds, listening to the maniacal laughter coming from the third room.

The next morning, Grimmjow left his room to find a slip of paper on his door. Hmm?

"Hey, Nnoitra! I found our chore list!" Grimmjow called.

"Ooh, what do I have?"

"Let's see here… you have… cleaning the bathrooms, hah!" Grimmjow laughed, secretly thanking whoever was up there for not giving Grimmjow _that _kind of hell.

Nnoitra scowled. "Oh, yeah? What do you have?" he asked.

"Uh… I have…" Grimmjow checked the list, "grocery shopping."

…Not bad; though Grimmjow vaguely wondered what hellish chores the other Espada had… Not that he could imagine Ulquiorra or Luisenbarn doing any form of manual labor.

…**Aaaand, there's chapter two! I hope you enjoyed. I think I'll be updating every other day, so… yeah. Bye!**

*This is Grimmjow's PV, so I felt that this would be a better adjective than "snakelike."


	3. Chapter 3

**Functioning, Chapter Three**

**Disclaimer: I do not, have not, and will not ever own the epicness that is Bleach.**

**Disclaimer #2: I am currently very sleep deprived (due to the pure stupidity of a dumb plan to correct my sleep schedule), so I'm not sure exactly how this chapter will be, quality-wise. **

**Without further ado, let CHAPTER THREE, START!**

There Grimmjow was, in a foreign world, carrying an empty basket, lost.

In the Karakura Super Market.

Supposedly the place had great prices, so Grimmjow picked up a grocery list (written by none other than Aizen and Granz) from the kitchen counter earlier that day, and headed… to this place.

Grimmjow walked around awkwardly for a couple minutes as he realized he HAD NO IDEA WHAT HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BUY.

… Or at least what it looked like. Hey, the guy had his food served to him on a silver platter! (Well, they were human souls, but that's beside the point) So what if he forgot what raw food looked like, he would be okay… _right?_

Eventually, one of the most powerful monsters to visit earth found his (lost) ass at the produce section, looking for… lettuce, onions, and tomatoes, supposedly.

…Now what did they look like again? Ah, it looked like he'd just have to check the signs. _Okay, so_… the Espada wandered over to misted shelves that seemed to have mirrors over them. He paused to check his oh-so-attractive* self before starting again on his hunt to find edible goods.

_Hey, tomatoes_! Grimmjow spotted a sign over plump, red… round things,* and grabbed a good handful. The onions and lettuce were hunted down in a similar fashion.

Right when the sixth most powerful Espada was right about to leave the produce section, an innocent sign stopped him in his tracks.

_Strawberries. _The very fruit his nemesis was named after. Grimmjow stalked evilly over to the large carton full of the juicy red fruits, and plunged his hand into the large pile, feeling a strange sense of satisfaction as his nemesis' namesakes were crushed in the palm of his hand.

This action was performed once or twice more until a disgruntled employee walked over and glared at the powerful Espada.

"Err… Sorry." He muttered as he tried to quietly skulk away.

The pudgy hand of an angered store worker stopped Grimmjow in his tracks.

…

A wasted nine dollars and ten cents later, Grimmjow was nearly finished with his shopping adventure, fishing money out of his (newly bought) jeans pockets, his basket set on the floor in wait of a self-checkout.

"Grimmjow?" called a confused feminine voice. Grimmjow looked up from his mini searching adventure within his pockets to spot a petite black-haired teenager, clad in knee-length purple dress.

"… Didn't I kill you?" He pointed at bemusedly at the girl.

"No, uh, just impaled," responded the (still confused) brunette soul reaper**

"Oh, right… So, uh, what was your name again?" the teal-haired Arrancar asked, feeling rather awkward.

"Rukia—Rukia Kuchiki. And, pray tell, why exactly are _you_ in the world of the living, shopping for…" Rukia peeked over Grimmjow's shoulder at his (now full) grocery basket, "groceries?"

"Oh! Yeah, uh, Aizen finally lost it, and… well, here we are, not even allowed to friggen _fight_," Grimmjow shook his head in disgust. "So, what about you? Whatcha doin' here, shorty?" Rukia grimaced slightly at the nickname.

"Shopping for the usual, with… Hey, Ichigo! I'm right over here!" Rukia turned and waved toward where Grimmjow could only guess where Ichigo was. Grimmjow could already feel a feral smirk coming on. So _that _was what was going on between the two. He always knew there was something between the two soul reapers, but could never fathom it was _this. _

"Hey Rukia, I—" Ichigo paused as he spotted Grimmjow and paled. The very same _oh-shit_ look was plastered on the Strawberry's face, only making Grimmjow's smirk ever the wider.

"So…" Grimmjow started at the pale Ichigo, "what are you two, fuck buddies?"

And then something funny happened: the two incredibly powerful soul reapers started spluttering.

"Psh—what? That's—that's, well, that's impossible!" Ichigo shouted, waving his arms in the air, his face beet red.

"We—we're not like _that_, no, no. no. _No. _We're not like that at _all_—" Rukia stated, her hands in front of her, before,

"Uh huh. So the two of you shopping together, is, _what_, coincidence?" Grimmjow smirked, crossing his arms. The two idiots couldn't babble their way out of that one.

"Uh, well, no Grimmjow, you see—" Ichigo started.

"Ichigo and I live in the same _house_, but—"

"It's nothing like _that_!" The two finally yelled in unison, once Grimmjow's smirk reached epic proportions.

"Uh huh," the sixth Espada grinned disbelievingly.

"No! I swear, I haven't done anything, _anything _like that! It's absolute innocence, right?" Ichigo turned to Rukia, his face the color of the tomatoes in Grimmjow's basket.

"Yep! No hanky panky here, not in the Kurosaki household at _all_," Rukia stated with finality. Her face was about a shade darker than Ichigo's.

"O-kay, then," Grimmjow scoffed, before he realized that it was his turn for the checkout. Setting his grocery basket down again, he realized that the petite soul reaper was missing from last night's dinner debacle.

"Hey, Rukia," Grimmjow turned to the brunette teen.

"Yeah?"

"Where were you last night when I had dinner over at the Kurosaki's?"

Rukia then gave a confused look to an even paler Ichigo Kurosaki, who held his hands up as if to defend himself.

"Ichigo," Rukia began with a malicious sweetness in her voice, "what exactly happened while I was away in the Soul Society?"

"Uh, about that… let me explain…"

Grimmjow had finished paying for his goods and was on his way home, already out of earshot of the lovers' spat.

Well, though he couldn't _fight_ his enemy, he could at least make his life a living hell.

….. PAGE BREAK, YEAH!...

So, Grimmjow opened the door to his new home, a rare optimistic smile on his face.

That was until he spotted the overgrown pile of suds. "Uh," Grimmjow spoke, for once at a loss for words.

"I require some help," came the meek voice of Ulquiorra… from underneath the pile of white bubbles.

Grimmjow blinked.

**Aaaaand, that's all for now, folks! I hope you enjoyed the cliffy! Yay! You know, I'm actually surprisingly proud of this one! Hmm, is there anything else to say? *checks brain*… Nope. I'm gonna go get some (needed) sleep now. …Bye!**

*Once again, Grimmjow's point of view.

** Or shinigami, whatever. For this I'm just going to use 'soul reaper.'


	4. Chapter 4

**Functioning, Chapter 4**

**A/N: Thank you, **_**G. Ai Inoue**_** for reviewing every chapter! Authors thrive on good reviews, so it always makes my day! X3**

**Disclaimer: I would be surprised if Tite Kubo actually went on this site. **

**Anyway, CHAPTER FOUR, START!**

"I'm not entirely sure what went wrong," muttered a pile of soap suds, or in this case, the fourth Espada _inside _the pile of soap suds.

"Isn't it just cleaning clothes?" Grimmjow asked, not sure what to do himself. "Besides, where's everyone else?"

Soapy moved in a way that signified a shrug.

"Oookay… so, let's just call… uh… someone who knows about this stuff, I guess," Grimmjow sighed, glancing worriedly at the impending puddle that was oozing underneath a closed door nearby.

PAGE BREAK! YEAH!

"So you ask me…" Ichigo Kurosaki seethed, "to help you, powerful _villains_, to do your _laundry._"

"Yup," Grimmjow responded with a deadpan expression. Ichigo narrowed his eyes threateningly.

"Fine," Kurosaki snapped, trudging through the now flooded living room and opening the wet door to the soaked laundry room. "Okay, first, we _turn off _the washer," Ichigo glared at Ulquiorra, pressing a large button. "Next, _you _clean your house. I'll come back when you're done with that step."

"Wait!" called Grimmjow.

"_What?"_ Ichigo hissed, with an expression eerily similar to the one he donned the night at the Kurosaki's when Grimmjow calmly _implied_ that he made more money as a stripper than the Strawberry. Grimmjow backed up a few steps before gathering the courage to speak.

"Uh… how do we… uh, clean it?" Grimmjow asked, feeling small.

…Well, at least the mop that was thrown at his face was less painful than the punch would have been.

A FEW HOURS LATER

"Okay, Ulquiorra, you start the wash, pour the detergent in—remember to rinse the cup out a few times in the water here so it doesn't get messy later on—and the you _close _the lid," Ichigo explained, giving the fourth Espada a meaningful look, "and do whatever the hell_ you_ do while you're waiting for the clothes to get clean."

"Alright, thank you for this service of teaching me," the moody Arrancar replied, watching Ichigo's moves of mirroring his instructions intently.

"Ah, uh, no problem. Just being a… good neighbor, is all," Ichigo rubbed the back of his head sheepishly.

"No. I shall repay you in some way, that is absolute."

"Dude, seriously, it's fine."

Ulquiorra didn't respond… In some way, that worried the observing Grimmjow a little bit.

"Okay! Well, thanks for helping us with our… little problem," Grimmjow said as he led a confused Ichigo through the (now dry) living room and out the front door.

"Yeah, uh… what are neighbors for, y'know?"

THAT NIGHT…

That night, at about 9:30 pm, Ulquiorra Cifer was sitting on Nnoitra Jiruga's bed, staring at a pink box he had found on the third Espada's, Tia Harribel's, bed. Nnoitra and Grimmjow were doing the same, examining the foreign pink box.

"What do you think is inside?" Nnoitra smirked, an eerily… strange look on his face.

"We'll never know 'till we open it," Grimmjow pointed out.

"I don't believe that Miss Harribel will be very pleased that we looked through her personal belongings," Ulquiorra commented.

"Well... she's a woman, it is our right," Nnoitra scoffed. Grimmjow merely raised a brow at the comment as he ripped the box from Ulquiorra's hands and tore it open.

"Are these… candies?" Nnoitra asked, staring at the cylindrical objects wrapped in pink paper. Ulquiorra gently picked one up by his thumb and forefinger, examining it.

"Possibly," he remarked, holding the pink… thing, to the light.

It was then that Grimmjow had had about enough of the guessing, and yanked one out from the box, before he ripped the wrapping to shreds. The object in question was made of pink plastic, half of the cylindrical _thing_ larger, and the end of it was round, the smaller half ending flat. "Y'know… I think it's some kinda weapon," he muttered, holding the… _whatever it was_ in his palm.

"You mean, like a torpedo?" the fifth remarked, grabbing the one Grimmjow was holding and pressing his hand to a smaller piece of the cylindrical whatsit.

"You know… Dude, I think you're right!" Grimmjow yelled, grabbing the object and slamming his hand on the smaller half, aiming at the fifth. A soft …cottony thing* hit Nnoitra with a _thump_, before the black-haired Espada narrowed his eyes threateningly.

"This is _war," _the fifth Arrancar whispered menacingly, smirking with a mischievous grin.

One War Later

"That…" Grimmjow panted, "was AWESOME."

Needless to say, the room was a mess. Cotton balls attached to string were _everywhere_. Nnoitra and Grimmjow battled long and hard with the twelve torpedoes they had, while Ulquiorra sat back and worried about what Tia Harribel would say once she realized her weapons were stolen.

"We need to get more of those," Nnoitra pointed out. "I wonder who supplies them to her… should we check some nearby gun shops? Those looked like they were from the world of the living."

"Hmm… maybe," Grimmjow thought, before promptly falling asleep.

The Next Day…

The next day, Grimmjow was out shopping again, because his piggy comrades ate up all the food _already. _Jeez.

Anyway, he was out shopping again, and this time, he wanted to _explore _the freakin' store; he wasn't satisfied with just the produce section! He wanted to know exactly what strange and interesting things the World of the Living had to offer.

So, he was exploring… feminine hygiene, apparently, he thought to himself, after glancing up and reading the aisle sign. … _Wait, what the heck is that?_

So, as the great and powerful Grimmjow, the sixth Espada decided… to snoop. After a couple minutes of finding the usual: hair brushes, hair products, all sorts of strange paints, he found… those pink boxes—_those torpedoes_!

Grimmjow had just hit weapons jackpot… ignoring the fact that he found them in the same section where one could find shaving cream.

After jamming about twenty boxes into his wire cart, he noticed a shocked and _very _pale Rukia.

"Oh, hey, shorty."

No response.

"I didn't know you had these weapons here! They're amazing!" Grimmjow said, pointing to his stuffed cart, trying to at least dispel some of the awkwardness.

"Grimmjow," Rukia whispered, "those aren't weapons."

"The hell're you talkin' about? Nnoitra and I fought a friggin _war _with these last night," Grimmjow pointed, yet again, at the stuffed cart.

"Did you ever wonder why those are in the 'feminine hygiene' section?" Rukia said quietly, her eyes still wide, and looking… frankly, a little scared.

"Well, _kinda_, but…" Grimmjow rubbed the back of his head in confusion.

ONE AWKWARD EXPLANATION LATER…

Grimmjow was, once again, speechless, staring at his hands with a rather terrified expression. "I could've lived long, _long _time without knowing that."

"Yeah," Rukia agreed, staring at the floor, her face red from explaining.

"I'm gonna go wash my hands now."

"'Kay," Rukia nodded, still looking away.

The cart, suspiciously filled to the brim with the aforementioned objects, was abandoned. Grimmjow would never look at girls the same way _ever_ _again_.

That night, after _refusing _to fight another 'war,' and explaining to Nnoitra _why_, it was awkwardly quiet within the Espada household. Through the silence, Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez _swore _he could have heard hoots of laughter from a certain Ichigo Kurosaki coming from next door.

**[A/N: I am so, **_**so **_**sorry—I just had to write this. It was my original idea that came to mind when I first thought of this, so… yeah. I'm sorry. Anyway, I'm **_**fairly **_**sure the next chapter will be a little less… awkward. I just **_**had**_** to give poor Grimmjow a bit of an awkward moment, y'know? So… yeah.] **

*Remember, Grimmjow's perspective


	5. Chapter 5

**Functioning, Chapter 5**

**Okay, thank you so much for the good reviews on my last chapter—I totally thought that all the readers would be really grossed out, so I felt kind of bad. Oh, by the way, some of my plot lines actually came from parts of my life… take the Great Tampon War, for example. I'll put in the ends of chapters what I've taken from real life examples. :) **

**Disclaimer: The usual: I don't own anything but the idea and the plot. **

**CHAPTER FIVE, START!**

Tia Harribel only quirked an eyebrow when she entered the (terrified) Grimmjow's and Nnoitra's room. To no one's surprise, it was still a cottony mess, and Tia had opened the door to innocently explain to the two Espada that it was time for dinner.

And she walked in to find that her "personal belongings" were torn apart and used for… well, to be honest, Tia really didn't want to know. All she could glean from the view was that the fifth and sixth Espada's eyes were the size of tennis balls.

"Ulquiorra did it," Grimmjow blurted, to the still confused female Arrancar. He knew he was probably going to die.

"I do not understand your _hobbies_," Tia spoke the word as on would say the word _manure_, "but I will not judge you for them. I merely came to inform you that dinner is almost ready… and that you need to buy more… supplies, in repayment for obliterating mine."

"'Kay," Grimmjow replied, paling at the idea that Tia thought that he was interested in… he couldn't even think it. "But… but those _things_ are not my hob—"

The door slammed shut, much to Grimmjow's horror. He merely sighed and slumped his shoulders, exhausted. It was then that he realized he still had to clean the disgusting mess.

Twenty minutes later, with his and Nnoitra's room spotless, and with a bag being carried carefully between his thumb and forefinger, Grimmjow was almost ready for dinner.

That was, of course, before he smelled what was cooking.

"What…" Nnoitra choked, "what _is _that terrible smell?"

"I've smelled rotting flesh before, but…" Grimmjow nearly gagged, I think this is _worse!" _

And there, in the kitchen, stood Szayel Aporro Granz, stirring some foreign substance, _sparkling._

Yes, he was indeed, _sparkling_ with joy, grinning and humming as he stirred… the black-ish-brown-green… horror. "Oh, there you are!" Granz waved, still grinning ear to ear, again donning the pink apron. "Go to the dining room, dinner's almost ready!"

Grimmjow and Nnoitra gave each other meaningful looks.

HELLO HELLO HELLO HELLO—Page Break—HELLO HELLO HELLO HELLO 

"So this time, it's cooking?" Ichigo Kurosaki sighed.

"Yes." Grimmjow deadpanned.

"Oh, c'mon, it couldn't have been _that_ bad!" Ichigo argued, wanting to go home.

It was then that Grimmjow showed the Soul Reaper the bowl of living deformity.

Ichigo was silent, his eyes wide. "…Okay, Granz, come 'ere. Let's learn how to make a grilled cheese sandwich."

Half an hour later, there was melted cheese dripping off of the cabinets, flour was sprinkled all over the counters, crushed eggs on the floor, sugar splayed all over the kitchen island, and milk was spilled all over the burner. And, in Ichigo Kurosaki's hand was… something edible looking.

"Well done, Granz," Ichigo panted. He held up the greasy, cheesy monstrosity and nodded, giving the _thing _a bite. He chewed slowly, while the entire group of Espada—and even _Aizen_—watched with avid interest. The orange-haired boy nodded, gulping down the food.

"Good job, Granz, and only on your…" Ichigo looked off into the distance, thinking, "uh, eighth try? Yeah, eighth try. Well done."

Granz visually started sparkling, falling on his knees and thanking the exhausted teen. With good reason, too—the first time the boy tried the "grilled cheese," he fainted right then and there—it took a couple minutes to actually _wake the boy up_.

"Yet another reason for the Espada to thank you, Ichigo Kurosaki," Ulquiorra nodded, staring off into the distance. Grimmjow suddenly got a _bad _feeling in the pit of his stomach, like Ulquiorra was already planning something.

The next day, the bad feeling was proved right.

"Grimmjow."

"Grimmjow, wake up," called a soft voice, followed by the feeling of being poked in the cheek.

"_What_?" he hissed, swatting at the offending finger, slowly opening his eyes to find… Ulquiorra? Leaning over him? What the _fuck?_

"It is time that we repay Ichigo Kurosaki for all of his help. I asked for Granz's help already, but he has refused," Ulquiorra deadpanned, as usual.

"Then why the _fuck _did you ask me? And why are you trying to pay him back in the _first place_? He already said you didn't have to."

"…I do not enjoy being in debt to trash. And why do you think that our clothes are crisp and clean every day? _Because_ oftrash like him."

"You sound a lot more like a lonely puppy," Grimmjow remarked, sitting up.

_Smack. _

So, some of the most powerful Arrancars in existence were crouching low in bushes, stalking a teenage boy. And as if _that _wasn't enough, Grimmjow had a headache, thanks to the Espada next to him. Today was _not _going to be pleasant.

PAGE BREAK-

"Ichigo!" called an unfamiliar voice to Grimmjow's ears. He was currently huddled behind a telephone pole, listening in on his enemy's conversation.

"What is it, Keigo?" the orange-haired soul reaper spoke back, sounding frustrated.

"I haven't seen you in SO long! Other than you, I'm absolutely friendless, and—hey! Don't just walk by! I was _talking, _you know!" The boy, 'Keigo,' shouted. Grimmjow hadn't even _met _the kid, and he hated him already.

"Yeah, yeah, I heard. Now let's just get to school, I don't want to be late. _Or get caught by those Hueco Mundo psychos_," Grimmjow heard the boy grumble under his breath; and, glancing at Ulquiorra, who was standing, staring blatantly at Ichigo in the middle of the street, Grimmjow had to agree.

He himself was starting to wonder why he was a part of the Espada.

"Hey," Grimmjow heard the annoying squirt 'Keigo' whisper, "look at that chick—she's kinda cute!"

There was silence on Ichigo's part. Worried, Grimmjow peered over to see what was going on. Ichigo's (assumed) friend, Keigo, was pointing down the street…

Straight at Ulquiorra.

HEY, IT'S A PAGE BREAK! ISN'T THAT _AWESOME_?

"So how did plan 'Stalk Ichigo Kurosaki' go?" asked a curious Nnoitra lazing on the living room couch, along with all the rest of the Espada.

"I don't want to talk about it," a paler-than-usual (and that was rare) Ulquiorra answered quietly.

"A guy tried to pick him up," Grimmjow answered for the fourth Arrancar with a smirk.

"That is _not _what happened," Ulquiorra hissed.

"Okay, fine; we overheard a guy _talk _about picking him up."

Through a look of utter shame—not much different from the general Ulquiorra blank stare into space (trademark)—Ulquiorra glared darkly over at the sixth Espada.

Who, in turn, shrugged.

"I am _so _going on the next stalking trip!" Nnoitra chuckled, while Ulquiorra fumed silently.

"Yeah, we've _got _to plan another one," Grimmjow agreed with a mischievous glint in his eyes.

It was then that the Great and Powerful Lord Aizen walked into the living room.

"Espada," he called, authority blatant in his voice, "I have some news for you."

The aforementioned Espada, who were already in the room in the first place, turned their heads towards their leader.

"Because you, as my wonderful and faithful Espada are capable of completing your chores early," Aizen spoke, "I have noticed that you all have a great deal of blessed free time. What you do with it, I would usually not intrude on, but it has come to my attention that you are doing nothing but sitting around and _chatting_."

Something sank in Grimmjow's stomach; he had a _bad _feeling about what was going to come up.

"I have found places for each and every one of you to spend your time at, so that you do not you do not waste away into mindless servants of sloth. For you, Baraggan, you get to spend your days at the Karakura retirement home. And for the rest of you…" A feral smirk showed on Aizen's features.

Grimmjow paled even further.

"I have taken the liberty of enrolling you into Karakura High School. You will start tomorrow. So, enjoy learning about the World of the Living, _Students!_"

And Aizen swept out of the room, leaving ten incredibly confused Espada to contemplate whether or not joining Aizen's side of the war was actually a good idea.


	6. Chapter 6

**Functioning Chapter 6**

**This one took a lot of thought, so… I hope you enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach, but I think you might have realized that already. **

**CHAPTER SIX, START!**

"So, how do ya think it'll go?" Nnoitra asked, slightly pale.

Grimmjow and Nnoitra were getting dressed in their uniforms, with Grimmjow fumbling with his—"how the _hell_ do you get this disc thing through that? And why are there so _damn _many of them?"—buttons.

"Well," Grimmjow started, "I _think _we'll make it. Besides, Kurosaki's there to help us out, right?"

Next door, in the Kurosaki home, while fumbling with _his _uniform, Ichigo felt himself involuntarily shiver. _What was __that__? _He thought to himself.

'TIS THE PAGE BREAK OF !

"So," Grimmjow heard his teacher speak through the door, "we have some new transfer students from… um," he heard a shuffling of papers, "Canada."

_Wow, Aizen._

"Come in, kids!" called the teacher with a friendly smile. Grimmjow was suddenly determined to wipe the smile off her face by the end of the day, he realized as he walked into the classroom.

"No," A familiar voice called. Grimmjow's smirk sprang to life the moment he recognized it. "_No_."

"No _what_, Kurosaki?" the teacher glared. Grimmjow looked at the Soul Reaper to find that he had actually _stood up from his seat_, so heated he was. This, Grimmjow realized in a split second, was going to be funny.

"_Them_," Ichigo hissed, "_You_," Ichigo stabbed a finger towards Grimmjow, "_Leave_."

"That is no way to speak to new students, Kurosaki!" Teacher-lady (Grimmjow forgot what her name was the second after she introduced herself earlier) admonished.

"No, miss Ochi, I don't think you get it. These… these… _people_," the orange haired boy spat, "are seriously out to get me. They've tried to _kill_ me. I'm not even kidding you."

"Kurosaki," Ms. Ochi deadpanned, "stop being such a drama queen."

Ichigo winced, and finally turned from his teacher back to Grimmjow, Nnoitra, Ulquiorra, and Tia (the rest were in different classes). Grimmjow's smirk widened, and he stepped in front of the class with, "Ichigo, stop trying to hide it. Just tell the world about your _true _identity."

Grimmjow's grin grew wider as he watched Ichigo literally blanch.

"Tell them about how you accomplished your true dream, and that you are now a world-famous—"

"SHUT UP!" Ichigo screamed, jabbing his pointer finger; Grimmjow knew Ichigo could tell that he was going to use the 'world famous stripper' thing again, probably because of his next sentence, "you are _not _gonna pull that bullshit story _again!_ Do you know what my family thinks of me now?"

The observing class had what could be called a collective blink.

"EVERY TIME I WALK OUTSIDE MY EFFING _HOUSE_, THEY TELL ME TO BRING BACK GOOD _FUCKING_ '_TIPS!'"_ Ichigo finally exploded, before he slumped a bit, his breathing heavy.

While the class stared at Ichigo in a mix of confusion and horror, while Grimmjow's smirk grew so wide it actually hurt.

Then, there was a good minute of awkward silence, minus the sound of the Soul Reaper's breathing.

"Well…" Miss Ochi spoke, basking in the awkwardness, "I think that you two should take a trip to principal's office." And then, after scribbling on a pass for Grimmjow, and _two _passes for Kurosaki, they were on their ways.

Grimmjow peeked at Ichigo's second pass through his obvious attempts to hide it. It read: _School Counselor_.

Grimmjow attempted to hide his smirk; he still got punched in the face.

"Don't even try to say you didn't deserve that," Ichigo seethed, literally _vibrating_ he was so pissed.

"Wasn't gonna," Grimmjow raised his hands in the air as an offering of peace.

"Good."

The rest of the walk to the principal's office was in awkward silence.

Once in the principal's office, the two were glared at by a bald man behind a desk.

"Grimmjow Jaeger… Jagger… Mr. Grimmjow," the principal glared, his voice cold, "this is your _first day_ in Karakura High School. What kind of problem can you get in the very momentyour _first class starts_?"

"Well…" Grimmjow began, "I believe that I am going to start my argument by explaining that Ichigo is…"

The principal raised a brow, "a jerkface," Grimmjow finished.

"Hey! _Whoa! _I am _not _the one who told my family I was a _stripper!_" Ichigo defended.

Along with the raised eyebrow came the eyes the size of tennis balls. "Excuse me?" the balding man asked in a small voice.

"Okay, well, I mean, sir, I…" Ichigo spluttered.

"It's his side job," Grimmjow explained with a shrug.

"Ah, I see," the principal nodded, as if all had been explained. "Now, Kurosaki, though I cannot breach into my students' personal lives, I really can't commend, nor can I condone this sort of behavior—"

"You can't seriously say you _believe _him!" Ichigo shrieked.

"Your long absences have given me sufficient reason to. Now, I would like to talk to you alone for a moment. Grimmjow, please wait outside."

And so, the sixth Espada was kicked out, leaving a pale and wide eyed Kurosaki alone with the principal. He stood right outside the door in attempt to eavesdrop, but could hear little. After a few minutes of hushed whispering that sounded as if it came from the principal, there was silence.

It was then that Ichigo slammed the door open, white as a ghost, clutching a piece of paper in his hands.

"You in trouble?" Grimmjow asked with a smirk.

Ichigo shook his head silently, before, "I think I'm gonna go kill myself now."

"Oh, c'mon, it can't be that bad," Grimmjow said.

The piece of paper the Soul Reaper had crushed in his hands was thrown to Grimmjow, who, after unfolding it, opened his mouth in horror.

_978-0046. I'll keep you out of trouble. Call me. _Next to the scribbled writing was a heart. The Espada threw the paper away as if burned him, before they both walked back to class, pale and shaking, in silence.

CREEPTASTIC PAGE !

It was lunchtime, and the Espada decided to sit with the Soul Reapers on the school roof, because, hey, they really didn't know anybody else.

Not to mention how much it creeped the rest of the Espada out when Ichigo and Grimmjow were both _very _quiet and _very _pale. At the same time.

So, as the Soul Reaper's friends (Ishida, Chad, Orihime, Rukia, Keigo, and… all the rest of 'em) pulled out their boxes for lunch, the Espada did the same.

Each and every one of them had grilled cheese sandwiches. Grimmjow watched Ichigo twitch a little at remembered times brought on by the greasy food.

It was when Yammy pulled out an entire raw fish did people give him questioning looks; except Orihime, who explained to the steroid-laden (at least, that's what Grimmjow thought) that, what went well with raw fish? Oh yeah! It was jam.

_Jam. _And _fish._ Together. Grimmjow inwardly cringed.

"So Rukia," Ichigo smirked, as he was now all grins, thanks to the pledge he and Grimmjow had to repress any memories of the 'principal incident'. "What interesting news do you have today?"

The seriously looked like the Cheshire Cat. And that was _Grimmjow's _job.

"It seems to me that _you _would rather explain this situation to the guests," Rukia said softly, looking away with… was that a look of _guilt_ on her face?

"I think I will!" Ichigo smirked, before he started: "Rukia went to the Soul Society today, to inform the higher-ups—"

"Well, I tried."

"About your little _stay _here—and what do mean, '_try?'_" Ichigo blanched.

"There was a little party," The small Soul Reaper explained, pale.

"_And_?" Ichigo hissed.

"The Soul Society was rather…_incredibly_…inebriated…" Rukia looked pointedly away.

"The _whole _Soul Society? Drunk?" Ichigo whispered, pale.

Rukia nodded slowly, cringing in fear of the other's wrath. "Everyone."

Ichigo paused in his seething, as it seemed like a thought popped into his head; Grimmjow could practically _see_ the light bulb go off. "Like, Byakuya?"

"Yes?" The tiny girl squeaked, still scared.

"Toshiro?" Ichigo asked, a smile peeking out. It was then that Rukia seemed to understand.

"He gives a drunken account of the history of the Soul Society. As in, Ran 'Tao became 'That Chick With The Glasses.'"

"Wait, wait… What does Byakuya do?" Ichigo asked, choking on his own laughter. Rukia went red in the face.

"Well," the girl paused, biting her lip, "It becomes, well, he tends to give 'the Talk.' The more sake, the more detailed the conversation." The girl shivered. "He gives his own personal account," she squeezed her eyes closed, holding herself, while she got sympathetic looks from everyone in their little circle. And that was a _lot _of people.

"Oh, and then, he goes: 'Rukia," she lowered her voice, imitating that of her brother's, " 'You are a lovely cherry-blossom tree. If there is anyone that _dares _to deflower you,'— "

"No way!" Ichigo guffawed, strangely looking a little scared at the same time.

"Guess you have to look out, Kurosaki. Keep one eye open when you sleep," Grimmjow smirked, earning a glare from the boy in question.

"And _he's _not even the worst… think, captain of the Twelfth Division," Rukia got quiet, as all the people that apparently knew who the captain was went silent.

…Grimmjow suddenly didn't want to meet the guy.

"You know? I think it's actually quite nice that you came here!" Orihime smiled, mostly towards her meaty new friend. "It's nice to get to know you; don't you agree, Uryu?" The orange-haired girl turned toward the Quincy.

The boy in question fumbled awkwardly with his glasses.

"He agrees with me!" Orihime sparkled, yes, _sparkled_, turning back to Yammy, who nodded in agreement.

"Yeah," Starrk, who looked _completely _out of place in a school uniform, agreed, "I think this whole 'school' thing is gonna be pretty okay."

"Except for that creepy principal," Grimmjow muttered to himself, biting into his (surprisingly okay) grilled cheese sandwich.

The rest of the lunchtime was filled with, surprisingly, laughter and civil conversation. It was only Keigo and the rest of Ichigo's average human friends who were eating silently, having no idea what was going on, or what the group was talking about.

**A/N: I hope I didn't let anyone down! I know I had a lot expectations riding on this chapter, and I really wanted to do well! I even brainstormed. I never do that. Anyway, I hope you like it! Please, no flames! I hope it was as good as my other ones! **

**Also, after reading 'coffee's' review, I decided to add that last tidbit in… because, well, he/she was right: I wasn't keeping the integrity of Bleach, and I'm sorry about that, but also… that's kind of what the 'fiction' in fanfiction is about. xD**

**And Tia has to deal with her girl problems because she's in (I hope I'm spelling this right) a Gigai… Or, what I like to call it, her Soul Cocoon, making her deal with the responsibilities of having a human body . Provided by Granz, who had to make them under Aizen's orders earlier on before I started this story. **

…**Happy? **


End file.
